He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
