the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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