Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
