Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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