I hate your face
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
