I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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