There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Success! We fucked roommates!
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
