Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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