Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Terrible idea I love it
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize