I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
