i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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