My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
