i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
