the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
