lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
