the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Of course I have a pirate flag
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I told him we canβt see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
Randomize
