We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
