Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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