I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
