So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The beer is more important than you right now.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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