I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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