I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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