What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Randomize
