drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
