He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
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