Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
