Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
