Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
