I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
