I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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