you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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