can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize