If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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