dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
