That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
