i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
