you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
MIDGETS
????
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
