My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
