when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
