we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
