is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
