I will die if light touches me.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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