she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize