she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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