So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
