well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
