I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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