Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
