If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
