I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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