The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
