Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
nutella sex= disaster
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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