Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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