In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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