Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
