Don't make out with my wife yet
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
