Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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