Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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