dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize