Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
