I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
