mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
