my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
