So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
