Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
