oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
