I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
