I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
