Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
