We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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